Saturday, January 31, 2009
I went to see Mason today. I hope that I was not too much of an imposition on the family and that I did not over-stay my welcome. It was in a strange way comforting to be back "home" where I lived for essentially 2 years. I got to see some people who had become family but I had not seen in 3 months. I don't want to come off sounding selfish, but the hardest part for me was walking into Mason's room. It is the very room where Cameron died. Only a nurse was in there when I arrived so I was able to take a moment for composure before Mason & his family arrived.
I learned 2 things about myself today 1) I am ok. and 2) I'm better at taking care of other people than I am myself.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
"Diane Blansett here again… Andrea called about 2:30CST. They have received some of the test results. The news is very grave - the cancer is back. The Central Nervous System is fully involved, 68%, and anything greater than 50% is considered strongly positive. The doctors are still looking at the bone marrow, but because his platelets keep decreasing, they suspect that it is also in the bone marrow. If it is, there is no treatment. If it is just in the central nervous system, the doctors will explore clinical trials that seem to be having promising results. They will begin radiation tomorrow in limited amounts to give Mason some relief.
Andrea told me that she and Eddie have prayed as a couple and prayed with Mason. They all know that Mason belongs to God and has been on loan, a temporary gift from God. Eddie and Andrea have agreed that they will not put Mason through painful treatments. They are at peace with this decision.
Mason has had some moments of coherency this afternoon. He and Eddie and Andrea have been able to laugh a little and to truly enjoy one another’s company. What a gift! Andrea was about to go get Trey and explain everything to him. They need some family time, so Andrea asked that you please continue to pray, PRAY FOR A MIRACLE, but they are asking that you please not call or come by for the next day or two. She will post when she is ready for calls or visits. She will try to check emails and posts at least once a day, so that would be a good way for you to let them know how much you care and that you are continuing to lift them up to God. Andrea said to stress that they really do feel your prayers. They know that’s it’s because of them and God’s goodness that they have had a good afternoon with Mason."
I don't have anything to add.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
EDITED: MASON'S TEST HAS BEEN POSTPONED UNTIL TOMORROW DUE TO INCREASED SPINAL PRESSURE IN HIS BRAIN.
This picture was taken 2 years ago today. Cameron was 3 days post-first-transplant. He was feeling good & eating like mad. I miss him.
These pictures were taken this morning off my porch. The weather has been bizarre. After several inches of snow yesterday, we had hours worth of freezing rain and ice. There is at least an inch of ice on top of the snow. Now, it is starting to snow again and we are expected to get 3-4 inches on top of the ice. We are under a Level 3 snow emergency (no driving). I'm hoping it clears off a little by tomorrow. I really should go to work this week....
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
From my angle & distance, I couldn't get a good picture of her sliding down the hill, only walking back up. For those who know my house, these pictures are taken at quite a distance. I hope they print well. Maybe next time I'll feel like going out with her & get some of her riding down the hill.
Monday, January 26, 2009
On the motorcycle front, we don't have much information yet. Seems as though people are on the move making them difficult to question. I was confronted by their mother in front of our house Friday evening after work (intimidation of a witness??). She tells me they are "good boys who would never steal." Of course, the municipal court website begs to differ..... Maybe she didn't realize that stuff is public information and easily accessed by anyone with internet & interest.
Christian, Grandma & Cameron. This picture was taken in November 2003. Cameron loved his grandma.
The date on this picture is wrong. It was taken on Samantha's 2nd birthday in November 2005. She had a party with her cousins at McDonald's. After the party, Ian & Christian spent the night & the 3 boys had a tea party with her in the living room.
Until next time.....
Sunday, January 25, 2009
He looks so little to me in that big bed. You can see Samantha's marrow in the upper left of the picture. I personally didn't expect it to be so bright red.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
This is Cameron's first day of 2nd grade (late August 2006) - you can tell because his shoes are still white. That only lasted about a day.
This was taken in August 2007 at the Coolville Founder's Day Parade. Everyone cheered when he went by because it had been a tough year for him and many people had not seen him since he relapsed. We didn't know what was to come. The shirt he is wearing in this picture will be part of the quilt that Ellie is making for us (for more information about that see Cameron's caringbridge site, the link is on this page under My Blogs).
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
You were in my belly, You were already mine, I already knew you …
First cry, First tender touch, First kiss,
You were finally here, You were perfect, I already loved you…
First smile, First tooth, First step,
You were so sweet, You were all I wanted, I’d always hug you …
First words, First drawings, First tricycle rides,
You were fast, You were so clever, I believed in you …
First big bed, First best friends, First questions,
You were growing, You were wondering, I always answered you…
First symptoms, First pains, First scary thoughts,
You were sick, You were scared, I’d hold on tight to you …
First hospital stay, First MRI, First surgery,
You were hurting, You were brave, I was always amazed by you…
First radiations, First Chemo, First feeding tube,
You were thinner, You were weaker, I was so worried about you…
First bad news, First breakdowns, First hopeless thoughts,
You relapsed, You were so little, I didn’t want to let go of you…
Last steps, Last meals, Last real hugs,
You were in pain, You were fading away, I couldn't believe it was you…
Last smiles, Last words, Last kisses,
You were scared, You were fighting, I couldn't stop looking at you…
Last painful breaths, Last heartbeats, Last bath,
You were gone, You ARE mine, I cant stop thinking of you…
First lonely nights, Last goodbyes, First empty hugs,
You are flying, You are free, And I am left here, without you...
Monday, January 19, 2009
We awoke to a few inches of snow. Samantha could not wait to get outside in it.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This has always been one of my favorite pictures of Cameron (I say that a lot don't I? It seems as though all of my pictures are favorites.) He was 6 when this was taken. It was early in his Tae Kwon Do career, but he was a natural at it. It did a lot for his confidence and stamina. I spent hours sitting on that wooden floor watching him. His last belt was a red/black. We have them displayed on an engraved belt rack.
This was taken Christmas 2006. Sam had just turned 3. We were waiting for admission for Cameron's first bone marrow transplant. He was weak & frail. Santa left some coal for Sam as she had been a typical demanding toddler. Cameron thought it was hysterical. Sam did not. She is able to laugh about it now, especially since the coal has been "recycled" through others' stockings. (BTW - she also got 12 pacifiers in that same stocking with the coal. We were forever losing them & despite being 3, we knew we were in for a long haul of hospitalization and they were going to be necessary.)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
This is a picture Cameron & his cousin Ian taken in February 2005. Cameron adored Ian and in turn Ian was always great with him & Samantha. They were more like brothers than cousins except they never fought. Ian was always patient & willing to teach Cameron how to do things. He spent many nights with us in Columbus at the Ronald McDonald House. I worry about Ian. This has been very hard on him too.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
This picture was taken 6-21-08. They both loved Kung Fu Panda. Cameron was always good to read to Sam.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Finally, a lead regarding Cameron's motorcycle. I had just about given up hope of every getting back. I'm trying not to get too excited, but we are certainly closer than we were just yesterday. This picture was taken on his 5th birthday when he first got the motorcycle. Always the reserved one, he hardly broke a smile though he did tear up when he saw it. He was so surprised. A few weeks later, he added "2" stickers to the number plates.
This is a picture of Samantha and my mom taken when Sam was 2 days old. They had a very special bond. Samantha misses her so much. At times, she is a little jealous that Cameron "gets to be with grandma now."
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Samantha was always Cameron's biggest cheerleader. This picture was taken during the 2006 football season. Her cheers echoed through the valley.
Tonight Sam was talking to me tonight & it made me so sad. She was saying things like "I'm not as good as bubby" and "I'm not as smart as bubby." I know she has heard so many people talking about Cameron and what a wonderful boy he was. I always try to tell her how special she is too but I don't think she quite believes me. I didn't think we would have self-esteem issues until her teen years.
Until next time
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Today's picture was taken in May 2008 in front of my rhododendren bush. I have taken Cameron's picture in front of it's blooms since he could stand.
10 long weeks today. I'm not sure how this can be. The emotions are still so raw, it feels like yesterday. I am so physically and emotionally exhausted, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I've always felt that Samantha was an "old soul." She makes comments like "when I was the mommy I did......" or "when I had my baby....." It doesn't seem as though she is playing make believe. She feels these prior events. Tonight, I was asking her about her day. She started telling me a long tale about how she and "bubby" played with her toys and watched Wall-E on her dvd player. She said "grandma was here for a minute but then she had to go." I want to ask so many questions, but I don't want to steer or influence her experiences. She is not at all troubled by them. They seem perfectly normal to her. I have to admit I am jealous. I wish I had them too.
Tonight, we are asking for prayers for our friend Matthew. His caringbridge site is: http://caringbridge.org/visit/matthewbarr He had a bone marrow transplant this summer. We were in the hospital at many of the same times. He has to have an MRI next week to get more information about a new spot in his brain. We are praying this is nothing bad.
Until next time
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
As you will learn from this blog, I love taking pictures. Especially of my babies. I plan to share a pic or 2 every time I post. I have no concerns of running out of pictures to share.
This picture was taken in May 2003. My little fighter. We still have the gloves & they still make the noise. I miss him. The glimpse of his "tubies" at the bottom of his shirt breaks my heart.
Samantha is afraid of clowns. Especially Ronald McDonald. Even his statue.
This picture may be too wide too. If someone can help me with editing these I would appreciate it. Here is the link: http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/ellebe12345/P4100008.jpg
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The funniest part of this picture (in my opinion) is my 10 year old nephew in the background. Wonder what he is thinking?
Edited to add that I can only see half of the picture on my screen - here is the link:
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I've been trying to decide on a New Year's resolution. I realize I am a few days late in making this decision, but I guess better late than never. 2008 was such a horrific year it is going to take very little for 2009 to be an improvement. Part of my delay is making a resolution is that it represents another step forward, another step without my Cameron. Holding on to the past would frankly be easier, but completely unfair to Samantha. Illness, hospitals and death are about all she has known in her five short years. We've tried to show her fun & joy but we had so many limitations and restrictions with Cam with everything from food, vacations, pets. I know she has felt like she has always taken the backseat so maybe a simple resolution (read one that I won't break like more exercise, better diet, etc.) would be to show her just how important she is to me. Even when she is needy, whiny and clingy like she has been the past several days. This is very hard for her. She lost her brother & her grandma within 31 days of each other. She loved them both so much. She asks questions that I can't answer like "why did bubby have to get sick?" Yesterday, she was playing "funeral" with her dolls. Breaks my heart that I can't take her hurt away. Then I get impatient with her as she asks the same hard questions over & over. Especially now that I have gone back to work, I am so physically & emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, so I snap at her, tell her to wait too often, tell her that mommy just doesn't feel like playing/reading/cooking. More guilt. I'm good at that.
Ok, enough is enough. Next time I'll tell the story of impaired Santa.
Thanks for reading.
A favorite picture of me & my boy:
My little princess on her birthday:
If you can't tell by the title of this blog (Am I really going to blog?) I'm not convinced I'm going to keep at this. It is cathertic for me. Sometimes life is very lonely arond here.
So, first post down. Will update with real stuff later on.