We made it through our second Christmas. Hard, but probably not as hard as the first. This was in part due to a positive home pregnancy test from just a few days earlier. I had a renewed sense of hope. It felt very much meant to be because 1) it was Christmas and 2) I was due on my mom's birthday in August. It was, however, not meant to be. Sometimes, hope is not good. (Please don't flame me for that one.) A month later came the heart breaking news that the baby no longer had a heart beat (it was there just one week before). Next was surgery with the hopes that some genetic testing could offer some insight as this was my 8th (yes I said 8th) pregnancy. None of the previous testing has provided any answers, but who knows what might change? Recovery was long & hard for me physically more so than emotionally this time. General anesthesia always takes a big toll on me. That combined with more than expected blood loss left me down for the count for days and only recently have I gotten back some of my energy. Emotionally, I have a different sense of what is too bad and what is devastating. This was not even close to being the worst thing that has happened to me. After a week or so of complete withdrawal from all friends and most family, I started coming back out of my shell of self-pity and re-entering the real world. Though, on my first day back to work I stayed in my office all day with the door mostly closed. I can certainly put on a brave face, but as soon as someone shows some empathy or, heaven forbid give me hug, I completely crumble.
As for Sam, she is doing well. She is loving kindergarten and has learned so much this year. Though, due to the weather she has hardly been to school since Christmas break and it is not looking good for tomorrow either. Her favorite Christmas gifts this year were a pair of rollerskates from grandpa, a "grown up" digital camera from Cameron and a BFC doll from santa. She said that mommy gives "boring" gifts like books and clothes. Sam did have a sinus infection last week. Whenever she has a fever I have near breakdowns and look her over completely for bruises, etc. Wonder if that ever ends? I'm thinking not.
Cameron's 11th birthday is rapidly approaching. I haven't decided exactly how we are going to mark it this year, most likely something lower key than last year. I am however collecting Wii & PlayStation2 games again this year. I have several from Christmas so I thought those combined with some from his birthday might make a good donation to J5. Samantha also wants to gather some art supplies so I'll take those too if you are interested in donating. You can reach me at home, by cell or email if I need to pick something up from you.
I guess that is it for now, will try to update again soon with birthday details.
Lori
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My thought of the day:
I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it is letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength.
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Some pics of Sam:
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