Thursday, June 17, 2010

Thought of the day

Why be saddled with this thing called life expectancy?

Of what relevance to an individual is such a statistic?

Am I to concern myself with an allotment of days I never had and was never promised?
Must I check off each day of my life as if I am subtracting from this imaginary hoard?

No, on the contrary, I will add each day of my life to my treasure of days lived. And with each day, my treasure will grow, not diminish.

~Robert Brault

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Thought for today

A friend once sent me a book "Shelter from the Storm." It took me a while to get to it. I had so many to read and so little motivation. Looking back I wish I would have read this one sooner, not nearly 20 months later. The quote that spoke to me was:

"When parents are told that their child will surely die, their grief is shattering. Most people say it is the worst thing that can happen in the human experience. So I tell you now what you most likely cannot believe, but what is mercifully true: You can survive. Your life will be permanently changed, and grief will always be part of it. But you will be okay. You will get through this, and there will be help from many directions."

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Another Saturday....

another t-ball game. It was a beautiful day for baseball, no tornado like winds we had last week.

Beautiful blue eyes:

Last minute instructions from the coach:

Not her fault that she missed this one! She would have to be 6 feet tall to reach it....

Running home:

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hysterical? Humiliating?

Better left un-posted???? All of the above (& more!)

Barely making it across the finish line!

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Seems as though Samantha has gotten over her blip in the road. We had a few rough days, now back to whatever you want to call normal. Thanks for all of the ideas and support. I imagine that we will have many more "blips" in the years to come and each one will likely catch me by surprise.

Samantha said she wanted to play t-ball this year. I was skeptical, but signed her up anyway. She LOVES it! I let her choose what # she wanted on her jersey. She chose #2. That was always Cameron's jersey #.

Today was the first game. It was so windy & cold. She didn't complain at all. She made 5 outs in the field & only knocked down one other player! (Actually, that little girl tripped over her own feet just as Sam tagged her.)

When we were buying gear to practice at home, Samantha just HAD TO HAVE this bat. She kept saying "but this one is pretty!"

Here she is in serious discussion with her coach. She loves him. He is very patient and kind to her.

Here she is running a bit like her mom with arms flailing! If you look closely you can see that her fingernail polish is the same bright orange as her shirt.

Actually, she is quite fast with a nice stride. This is a trip from 2nd to 3rd.

Thanks for looking!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


has been crying at school. Her teacher called & said that she was sobbing in the classroom. Sam says she misses Cameron. She says that she doesn't want to go to gym class because "that's were Bubby's funeral was." Again, trying not to over-react, I asked that they call her 6th grade cousin to talk to her & if that didn't work, then to call me back & I would come to the school. They never called. It was a long afternoon of wondering and worrying. When I got home, she was painting her nails. We made cookies and talked a while. I think she is just starting to understand the permanancy of death and to feel the impact of her losses. She took 2 huge blows in one month. Now, she hears us talking of friends and family who have various illnesses and injuries and she wonders about their fates. She is worried, but doesn't have the vocabulary to express her fears. She is afraid, but can't express what she is afraid of. I know that children re-experience losses as they mature so this will be a re-occuring theme for us. I hope I am able to recognize if or when it is time to seek outside professional help. For now, I think we can manage it ok. I hope I'm not wrong. Again.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

March 25

It was 7 years ago today that Cameron was first diagnosed with leukemia. Just one day before he was riding his scooter along the back porch. 36 hours later he was in the ICU, then his heart stopped beating. They brought him back that night and my little tropper handled the chemo so well. But, the cancer just kept coming back until his body was too tired to fight. I am so proud of him. I miss everything about him.

This first picture was taken 3/24/03 - on his scooter.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


So yesterday should have been Cameron's 11th birthday. In many ways this year's birthday was harder/more emotional than last year's. I'm thinking that is because I was still so numb last year. So, I kept it low key. Took some flowers and balloons to the cemetary. Had some wings & pizza at home. I have a handful of video games that I'll be taking to the hospital in the next week or so. I'm tired.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Samantha says.....

"Mommy, your butt is hard as a rock!"

Greatest compliment ever!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Been a long while....

Hello friends. I guess I didn't realize how long it has been since I posted here. It wasn't until I got comments and emails from a number of individuals that it dawned on me. Time sure has flown. I wish I could say that it was because I was having fun.....

We made it through our second Christmas. Hard, but probably not as hard as the first. This was in part due to a positive home pregnancy test from just a few days earlier. I had a renewed sense of hope. It felt very much meant to be because 1) it was Christmas and 2) I was due on my mom's birthday in August. It was, however, not meant to be. Sometimes, hope is not good. (Please don't flame me for that one.) A month later came the heart breaking news that the baby no longer had a heart beat (it was there just one week before). Next was surgery with the hopes that some genetic testing could offer some insight as this was my 8th (yes I said 8th) pregnancy. None of the previous testing has provided any answers, but who knows what might change? Recovery was long & hard for me physically more so than emotionally this time. General anesthesia always takes a big toll on me. That combined with more than expected blood loss left me down for the count for days and only recently have I gotten back some of my energy. Emotionally, I have a different sense of what is too bad and what is devastating. This was not even close to being the worst thing that has happened to me. After a week or so of complete withdrawal from all friends and most family, I started coming back out of my shell of self-pity and re-entering the real world. Though, on my first day back to work I stayed in my office all day with the door mostly closed. I can certainly put on a brave face, but as soon as someone shows some empathy or, heaven forbid give me hug, I completely crumble.

As for Sam, she is doing well. She is loving kindergarten and has learned so much this year. Though, due to the weather she has hardly been to school since Christmas break and it is not looking good for tomorrow either. Her favorite Christmas gifts this year were a pair of rollerskates from grandpa, a "grown up" digital camera from Cameron and a BFC doll from santa. She said that mommy gives "boring" gifts like books and clothes. Sam did have a sinus infection last week. Whenever she has a fever I have near breakdowns and look her over completely for bruises, etc. Wonder if that ever ends? I'm thinking not.

Cameron's 11th birthday is rapidly approaching. I haven't decided exactly how we are going to mark it this year, most likely something lower key than last year. I am however collecting Wii & PlayStation2 games again this year. I have several from Christmas so I thought those combined with some from his birthday might make a good donation to J5. Samantha also wants to gather some art supplies so I'll take those too if you are interested in donating. You can reach me at home, by cell or email if I need to pick something up from you.

I guess that is it for now, will try to update again soon with birthday details.


My thought of the day:

I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it is letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength.


Some pics of Sam: