Am I really going to blog?: January 25

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

January 25

January 25, 2007 was a day filled with so much hope. It was the day of Cameron's first bone marrow transplant. I believed it would work. I still can't believe that it didn't.

Samantha just before going to the OR to donate her cells. She was very brave.

This is Sam's bone marrow being hooked up.

These are her cord blood cells going in.

Sam upon return from the OR.

Cam after his nap.

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Samantha came home the other day sobbing. The kind of sobbing where I had absolutely no idea what she was saying for more than 10 minutes. Finally she said "I miss my bubby!" When she calmed down, she told me about an incident where she was accidentally knocked into. She said "if Bubby was here it wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't let it." She knows that he was her protector. No matter what I do, I cannot fill those shoes. He offered her a sense of peace and comradarie that I cannot match. I wish I knew what to do, or at least knew that I wasn't totally screwing her up.

3 comments:

Kristen's momJanuary 25, 2011 at 9:03 PM
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Kristen's momJanuary 25, 2011 at 9:05 PM
We are getting close to the one year anniversary of Kristen's transplant. I really thought it was going to work too. AML is tough to beat. I totally agree with the quote about letting go, both for Kristen and for myself.
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BrittanieFebruary 1, 2011 at 8:36 PM
This is Brittanie (angel Cora's mommy) from JM. I was talking to another JM friend and Cameron came up, and she mentioned she checked your blog occasionally and gave me this link. This post brought me to tears. It must be so hard to watch her go through the realization of just how big of a thing she's missing in her life. (((hugs)))
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I HOPE....

I hope you never have to hear the words, 'Your child has cancer.'

I hope you never have to hear, 'The prognosis is not good.'

I hope you never have to prepare to undergo radiation or chemotherapy, have a port surgically inserted into their chest, be connected to IV poles. Look at you with fear in their eyes and say, 'Don't worry Mommy, everything will be okay.'

I hope you never have to hold your child as they vomit green bile.

I hope you never have to feed them ice chips for lunch.

I hope you never have to watch the 'cure' you pray for slowly take away their identity, as they lose their hair, become skeletal, swell up from steroids, develop severe acne, become barely or unable to walk or move, and look at you with hope in their eyes and say,'It's going to be okay, Mommy.'

I hope that you never have to stay in the hospital for weeks, months, or years at a time, where there is no privacy, sleeping on a slab, with your face to the wall, where you cry in muffled silence.

I hope you never have to see a mother, alone, huddled, in a dark hospital corridor...crying quietly, after just being told, 'There is nothing more we can do.'

I hope you never have to watch a family wander aimlessly, minutes after their child's body has been removed.

I hope you never have to use every bit of energy you have left, with all of this going on around you to remain positive, and the feelings of guilt, sorrow, hope and fear, overwhelm you.

I hope you never have to see a child's head bolted to the table as they receive radiation.

I hope you never have to take your child home (grateful but so afraid) in a wheelchair because the chemo and radiation has damaged their muscles, 35 pounds lighter, pale, bald, and scarred. And they look at you with faith in their eyes and say, 'It's going to be okay Mommy.'

I hope you never have to face the few friends that have stuck beside you and hear them say, 'Thank God that is over with,'...because you know it never will be. Your life becomes a whirl of doctors, blood tests and MRI's and you try to get your life back to 'normal'. While living in mind-numbing fear that any one of those tests could result in hearing the dreaded words...'The cancer has returned' or 'The tumor is growing.' And your friends become even fewer.

I hope you never have to experience any of these things... Because...only then...Will you understand...

(author unknown)