Thursday, June 18, 2009


In the mental health world that is an acronym for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A commonly agreed upon definition is that PTSD is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a traumatic event that threatened or caused great physical harm or from profound psychological trauma. It can be associated with death, threat to life, serious injury, rape, etc. It can be from personal experience or witnessing events happening to someone else. Pretty sure I meet those standards.

Symptoms include:
re-experience of the event/flashbacks (check)
nightmares (check)
difficulty sleeping (have you met my friend Ambien?)
hypervigilance (check)
impairment in social or occupational functioning (not so much)
loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities (middle of the road)
Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience (check)
Feeling emotionally numb (not so much)
Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry (bingo)
Angry outbursts (oh man...)

So, I am diagnosing myself here. Should be ok, I am a licensed professional. Too bad I won't follow my own advice. Much easier to give than to implement.

What prompted this introspection today was a fever.

Sam woke up with a temp of 103. She also had nausea, achiness and stuffy nose. I got such a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I gave her some tylenol, checked her all over for bruising and then reluctantly went in to work. Eric took her to the dr when they opened. I was a nervous wreck, irritable, unable to problem solve. I thought to myself - there is absolutely no way I could it all again. I am not strong enough. I catastrophized what I knew in my head was either the flu or an infection. Took forever for him to call me with the official diagnosis - sinus infection, prescribed an antibiotic and a decongestant. She is sleeping on the couch now.

I wonder if this will ever get better? I am beginning to think not. Did I mention that I am exhausted? Shouldn't write in here when I am... exhaustion for me tends to lead to emotional instability. (I know you are thinking she must always be exhausted!)

Tomorrow is a different day. Here's to hoping it will be a better one.

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