Samantha

has been crying at school. Her teacher called & said that she was sobbing in the classroom. Sam says she misses Cameron. She says that she doesn't want to go to gym class because "that's were Bubby's funeral was." Again, trying not to over-react, I asked that they call her 6th grade cousin to talk to her & if that didn't work, then to call me back & I would come to the school. They never called. It was a long afternoon of wondering and worrying. When I got home, she was painting her nails. We made cookies and talked a while. I think she is just starting to understand the permanancy of death and to feel the impact of her losses. She took 2 huge blows in one month. Now, she hears us talking of friends and family who have various illnesses and injuries and she wonders about their fates. She is worried, but doesn't have the vocabulary to express her fears. She is afraid, but can't express what she is afraid of. I know that children re-experience losses as they mature so this will be a re-occuring theme for us. I hope I am able to recognize if or when it is time to seek outside professional help. For now, I think we can manage it ok. I hope I'm not wrong. Again.

Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

March 25

It was 7 years ago today that Cameron was first diagnosed with leukemia. Just one day before he was riding his scooter along the back porch. 36 hours later he was in the ICU, then his heart stopped beating. They brought him back that night and my little tropper handled the chemo so well. But, the cancer just kept coming back until his body was too tired to fight. I am so proud of him. I miss everything about him.

This first picture was taken 3/24/03 - on his scooter.

A picture says a 1000 words.....

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So yesterday should have been Cameron's 11th birthday. In many ways this year's birthday was harder/more emotional than last year's. I'm thinking that is because I was still so numb last year. So, I kept it low key. Took some flowers and balloons to the cemetary. Had some wings & pizza at home. I have a handful of video games that I'll be taking to the hospital in the next week or so. I'm tired.

Samantha says.....

"Mommy, your butt is hard as a rock!"

Greatest compliment ever!

Been a long while....

Hello friends. I guess I didn't realize how long it has been since I posted here. It wasn't until I got comments and emails from a number of individuals that it dawned on me. Time sure has flown. I wish I could say that it was because I was having fun.....


We made it through our second Christmas. Hard, but probably not as hard as the first. This was in part due to a positive home pregnancy test from just a few days earlier. I had a renewed sense of hope. It felt very much meant to be because 1) it was Christmas and 2) I was due on my mom's birthday in August. It was, however, not meant to be. Sometimes, hope is not good. (Please don't flame me for that one.) A month later came the heart breaking news that the baby no longer had a heart beat (it was there just one week before). Next was surgery with the hopes that some genetic testing could offer some insight as this was my 8th (yes I said 8th) pregnancy. None of the previous testing has provided any answers, but who knows what might change? Recovery was long & hard for me physically more so than emotionally this time. General anesthesia always takes a big toll on me. That combined with more than expected blood loss left me down for the count for days and only recently have I gotten back some of my energy. Emotionally, I have a different sense of what is too bad and what is devastating. This was not even close to being the worst thing that has happened to me. After a week or so of complete withdrawal from all friends and most family, I started coming back out of my shell of self-pity and re-entering the real world. Though, on my first day back to work I stayed in my office all day with the door mostly closed. I can certainly put on a brave face, but as soon as someone shows some empathy or, heaven forbid give me hug, I completely crumble.

As for Sam, she is doing well. She is loving kindergarten and has learned so much this year. Though, due to the weather she has hardly been to school since Christmas break and it is not looking good for tomorrow either. Her favorite Christmas gifts this year were a pair of rollerskates from grandpa, a "grown up" digital camera from Cameron and a BFC doll from santa. She said that mommy gives "boring" gifts like books and clothes. Sam did have a sinus infection last week. Whenever she has a fever I have near breakdowns and look her over completely for bruises, etc. Wonder if that ever ends? I'm thinking not.

Cameron's 11th birthday is rapidly approaching. I haven't decided exactly how we are going to mark it this year, most likely something lower key than last year. I am however collecting Wii & PlayStation2 games again this year. I have several from Christmas so I thought those combined with some from his birthday might make a good donation to J5. Samantha also wants to gather some art supplies so I'll take those too if you are interested in donating. You can reach me at home, by cell or email if I need to pick something up from you.

I guess that is it for now, will try to update again soon with birthday details.

Lori


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My thought of the day:

I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it is letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength.

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Some pics of Sam: