Not because I've been busy. More about writer's block - nothing has felt interesting enough to write about. Still doesn't, but here I go anyway.
Mother's Day was awful. Just as I expected. The first without Cameron. The first without my mom. I just wanted to stay in bed all day & feel sorry for myself. Samantha would not allow that. She was in my face bright & early - chattering away. She made me some lovely pictures and a card.
In the afternoon, I had some time to myself so I went to the cemetaries. I like to go alone. Felt guily for things I should have said, should have done. Felt bad about not doing a better job for Samantha. Came home. Drank some wine. Looked at some photos. Drank some more wine. Felt a little better.
I'd like to say that the week got better, but it didn't. I had a hard time focusing at work. Was quite irritable with everyone. Best part of the week - I broke the parking rules and got a ticket, which I then in turn mocked by laminating and hanging on my bulletin board. Probably shouldn't have done that.
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I found another quote that resonated with me:
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. - Stanislaw Lem
As I have writen before, I struggle with my faith. It has been so deeply shaken over the past 6 years. I have always believed and have spent countless hours praying. At times, I feel that my faith is what gets me through, what gives me strength. Other times, I feel so completely let down. It is difficult to reconcile all of these thoughts in my own mind. There are individuals that I could consult, but I'm not ready for that yet.
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Until next time,
Lori
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