I've been trying to decide on a New Year's resolution. I realize I am a few days late in making this decision, but I guess better late than never. 2008 was such a horrific year it is going to take very little for 2009 to be an improvement. Part of my delay is making a resolution is that it represents another step forward, another step without my Cameron. Holding on to the past would frankly be easier, but completely unfair to Samantha. Illness, hospitals and death are about all she has known in her five short years. We've tried to show her fun & joy but we had so many limitations and restrictions with Cam with everything from food, vacations, pets. I know she has felt like she has always taken the backseat so maybe a simple resolution (read one that I won't break like more exercise, better diet, etc.) would be to show her just how important she is to me. Even when she is needy, whiny and clingy like she has been the past several days. This is very hard for her. She lost her brother & her grandma within 31 days of each other. She loved them both so much. She asks questions that I can't answer like "why did bubby have to get sick?" Yesterday, she was playing "funeral" with her dolls. Breaks my heart that I can't take her hurt away. Then I get impatient with her as she asks the same hard questions over & over. Especially now that I have gone back to work, I am so physically & emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, so I snap at her, tell her to wait too often, tell her that mommy just doesn't feel like playing/reading/cooking. More guilt. I'm good at that.
Ok, enough is enough. Next time I'll tell the story of impaired Santa.
Thanks for reading.
A favorite picture of me & my boy:
http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb44/ellebe12345/Childrens208020-1.jpg
My little princess on her birthday:
Hey Lori,
ReplyDeleteThanks for continuing to keep us up to date on how you and the family are doing. When we met on J5 several months back, I felt like you were part of a special family to me. I want you to know we still think of you all often and keep you all in our prayers! Please keep updating. I know it must be very difficult at times but I care about you, Eric and Samantha and would love to stay in contact. Stay strong for Sam, make lots of new memories and we'll keep praying for your strength and healing!
Sending many hugs and lots of love,
Patti
Lori...not knowing but only thru CarringBridge and my friend Stephanie Weathers (who lost her husband 6 mos ago) I want you to know that I hve kept you in my prayers alot. I am so glad to see that you stepped out to the blogworld! You will find strangers who will rech out in love, those who will listen w/o judgements, and most of all support you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteSamantha is beautiful!
Maybe the picutres are to big b/c you have it set on large...go to medium , that seems to work best for my blog.
Come on over to see me somtime and leave a comment! I would love to hear from you!
I have you posted on my blog so when you check in add yourself as one of my favorites (top and to the right)
Joy is my mantra soooo Joy for your day!
DeeDee
You are a good mother to both your children. There were special circumstances that made things very difficult. The fact that you recognize that your daughter needs you now is a huge step forward. Cameron will always be a part of your lives. He stays in my thoughts each day (each time I look at my son). Cameron still lives on each day that I recognize the gift that God has given to me.
ReplyDeleteJulie Sharp