This says it all!

updates

So, January was quite a month! Sami didn't go to school for what felt like weeks. Probably felt like it because it was! She is 1:2 this week and tomorrow is not looking good. It has been forever since we have had a winter like this.

In the midst of all of this, I got a wonderful gift. I need to get permission before I write about it here, but it was the kind of thing that gave me chills all over & only reinforced my belief in what is coming next. If you can't wait to know, call me - I love telling this story!

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Updates:

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 110.1
 

2. Read 100 books. Current status: 13/100

The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks; Running with Curves: Why You’re Not Too Fat to Run, and the Skinny on How to Start Today; Smoothie Recipes for Weight Loss - 30 Delicious Detox, Cleanse and Green Smoothie Diet Book; The Dinner by Herman Koch; Denial: A Memoir of Terror by Jessica Stern; Weight Loss Motivation: 7 Essential Tips for Permanent Weight Loss Success; Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh;

3. Lose 25 pounds. Current status:-3.6/25

4. Get more organized. Working on it!

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 4/52

6. Donate blood 4 times.

7. Try one new sport/physical activity.

8. No soft drinks so far & not tempted.

9. Charitable activities. Have a couple of ideas in the works.

Until next time,
Lori

It's been a while.....

It's been a while since I got to clean vomit out of the carpet at 2 am.
You know what? I didn't miss it! At all.

So, you've probably guessed that Sami got the stomach bug. As usual, she passed by a bathroom to descend a flight of stairs to appear by the side of my bed. She woke me, then ran back up the stairs only hitting a few of them. Then, she vomited all over the foyer. Including my new boots that I should have put away but didn't. Including a basket of clean laundry that also did not get put away before bed. Including the tile floor in the bathroom. Not including? The toilet. It has been a long day. Fortunately, she seems fine now. I hope to be lights out by 8:00.

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Updates:

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 45.26.
 

2. Read 100 books. Current status: 5/100!

Memoir of Mourning: Journey through Grief and Loss to Renewal by Claudia Chowaniec; Going Home by Jamie Yeager; 20  Quick Exercises to a Toned Body by Adam Eastman; Sycamore Row by John Grisham; & Olive Branches Don't Grow On Trees by Grace Mattioli.

3. Lose 25 pounds.

4. Get more organized.

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 2/52

6. Donate blood 4 times.

7. Try one new sport/physical activity.

8. No soft drinks so far & not really tempted. Got a fancy new naturally fruit infusing water bottle & loving it!

9. Charitable activities.


Until next time,
Lori

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

Happy New Year!!!!

& so it is time to set some 2014 goals. These may look familiar as they are mostly a repeat of last year. I didn't actually meet any of my goals; however, as my recent fortune cookie revealed it is better to set a goal and not reach it then to not set a goal at all! (wonder if that Chinese food had anything to do with me not reaching my weight loss goal??? :) )

Anyway.... here are my 2013 failures:

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. End of the year result: 914 

2. Read 100 books. End of the year result:82

3. Lose 25 pounds. End of the year result:No comment. I guess the good news is that I didn't gain any weight!

4. Get more organized. End of the year result: Closet/dresser are organized, make-up cleaned out & organized, couple of closets done. Still lots more to do!

5. Make one new recipe per week. End of the year result: 38


So, I am keeping all 5 of these for 2014 & adding a few more to it.

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles.

2. Read 100 books.

3. Lose 25 pounds.

4. Get more organized.

5. Make one new recipe per week.
6. Donate blood 4 times.
7. Try one new sport/physical activity.

A couple of difficult to measure goals include giving up soft drinks (this means more wine right????) & increasing charitable activites (not just donations!).

Until next time,
Lori

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."

New territory

Samantha turns 10 years old tomorrow!

 

 

I've never had a 10 year old before.....

They lie.

They do. You know them. The all-knowing, arrogant, advice givers. They say "time heals all wounds." They say "you just need to give it more time."

You know what I think? They can kiss my ***.

Time has not healed my wounded heart. Time has not made any of this easier. In fact, five years later, I still feel like this most of the time:

 

 

My hero

Light the Night

For the first time ever, we are participating in the central Ohio LLS Light the Night walk for leukemia awareness. Please consider joining us on October 12th!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/coh/CntlOhio13/calebscrusaders


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Updates

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 687.31/1000.

Still behind, but optimistic!

2. Read 100 books. Current Status: 50/100

Since the last update I have read: Honey, Do You Need a Ride? Confessions of a Fat Runner by Jennifer Graham; Heaven's Child, a mother's journey from heartbreak to healing, second edition;  Surviving Schizophrenia: A Memoir by Louise Gillett;Rain on Your Wedding Day by Curtis Edmonds; Don't Call Me Mother: A Daughter's Journey from Abandonment to Forgiveness; Summer Solstice by G. M. Frazier; FAITH A Secret Life by Chub Yublinsky; What it's Like to be Married to Me? And Other Dangerous Questions by Linda Dillow: My Butterfly by Laura Miller; Bite Me by Mike Faricy; If the Shoe Fits by Sandra Bricker; The Book of Maybe by Allison Carmen; Old Before My Time by Hayley and Kerry Okines; Bittersweet by Noelle Adams; Cracks in the Sidewalk by Bette Lee Crosby; Intrusive Memory by Leonardo Anthony Noto.

I am afraid that I am way too far behind to make this one. Going to keep trying though.

3. Lose 25 pounds. No comment.

4. Get more organized. No comment

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 27/52

Until next time,
Lori

So much has happened

So much has happened in the couple of weeks since I was last here!

 

We worked hard preparing for the 3rd Annual Cam & Sue's Cancer SUCKS 5k! Sami trained on my treadmill. Her goal was to beat her time from last year.

 

 

Next to the registration table, we have always had a table for people to write in the names of family members and friends who have battled cancer. People generally spend some time there reading, adding names and talking to each other about the people on the posters.

 

This is why we run.

 



 

We have such a generous and involved community! We had over 220 participants this year! The weather was wonderful. The called-for rain passed around us. The sun was shining and our awesomely orange shirts glowed!

 



Sami did not meet her goal.....

 

She did however do several cart wheels and spent about 10 minutes petting some horses along the route. She had fun which really is the most important part.

 



 

The next weekend some friends & I headed to Columbus to participate in the Color Run. Apparently there was us & about 12,000 other people!

 

We started out so clean.....

 



& finished pretty gross! I gave up on that formerly white shirt & I just threw it away. The race was low pressure - no timing, lots of slowing down for color to be tossed on us.

Glad I did it. Won't do it again!

 

 



Also in July, we passed a milestone. One that I have been counting down for over four years. One that I have prayed for. One that broke my heart again.

Samantha turned 9 years and 8 months old. She has now officially lived longer than Cameron had the chance to live. It feels so weird to look at her and know that she is now older than he ever was. He was always the big brother. But he never got to be 10.

Until next time,
Lori

List updates!

Updates

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 503.69/1000.

I am still about 10 miles behind where I should be, but am very slowly catching up! It does feel good to be more than half done! Unfortunately, I am looking at a very busy week. I hope to not lose too much ground.

2. Read 100 books. Current Status: 30/100

Since the last update I have read: The Color of Water in July: A Novel by Nora Carroll; What Stays in Vegas by Beth Labonte; Waiting Fate by W.B. Kinnette; One Step Too Far by Tina Seskis; Running from Love: A Story for Runners and Lovers by Rozsa Gaston; All For Anna (Letting Go) by Nicole Deese; Truth About Managing People (3rd Edition) by Stephen P. Robbins

YIKES! I am still way behind!

3. Lose 25 pounds. No comment.

4. Get more organized. No comment

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 23/52

Falling behind here too!


I am beginning to think that I have too many ambitious goals this year!

All of that fuss.....

for cysts.

I cannot say enough good things about Riverside's Breast Health Center. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I encountered there today was wonderful and caring. I never plan to go anywhere else.

It started with registration. Quick, easy and strangely comforting. The registration lady assured me that I would not leave the building until I had answers.

Next came the mammograms. Yes, plural. Regular, compression - which is different than regular in a way that I cannot really explain and a 3D mammogram which was pretty cool with the machine rotating around while clicking pictures. Then, back to the private waiting room with a Hershey bar. They seriously know their clientele.

Finally, the ultrasound. At this point I am a little shaky. The tech covered me with one of those soft fuzzy blankets still warm from the dryer. Very soothing. Then I got a look at the screen. There they were. 4 black blobs that should not be there. She measured them from all angles. I tried not to look, but like an accident scene, I couldn't help myself. I tried not to vomit & was actually successful with that. Then she patted me & left the room. That is when I cried.

After a few moments, a kind and gentle doctor came in. I have no idea what her name is. All I remember is her saying "Honey, don't cry. These are cysts. Fluid-filled, benign cysts." She may have said something else too. I don't remember. I felt dizzy and embarrassed. She patted me too and said "see you next year."

And that was it. Now I am home with my feet up trying to recover from the emotional upheaval of the last week.

Thanks to all of you for the kind thoughts and prayers.

Until next time,
Lori

Only one more day of waiting!

This is SERIOUSLY.KILLING.ME.

I know that I have PTSD. I know it from the symptoms. I know it from friends. I know it from colleagues who are mental health professionals. I know it from my family practice doctor. Knowing it and coping with it are two worlds apart.

Logical me knows that blips pop up all the time on mammograms and lots of women get called back to find out about a cyst. Or that they inadvertently worn deodorant and that messed up the film making it look like a big black shadow. Or any other number of benign issues.

I KNOW that.

BUT, when I looked at my letter, my first thought was "I am going to die." I haven't been able to shake it either. I did not schedule my over-due hair appointment when I saw my lady last week because what is the point? I look at my daughter and at times I simply cannot breathe.

I don't get good medical news. Just doesn't happen for me. Maybe tomorrow can be a first. Who knows? In the meantime, I am going to count on some pharmaceutical help.

Lori

So friends....

I've not been myself. Kind of down, worried. Expecting the worst.

All because of a letter. A form letter in fact. The kind of form letter that doesn't even have a copied signature. Just some random guys name typed at the bottom.

So, my letter said that my recent mammogram "shows a finding that requires additional imaging studies. You should call your doctor to have an appointment scheduled for complete evaluation of this finding if you have not already done so."

Um.... how would I have done so when I just not got your freaking letter???? At 6 PM. So, I get to worry and stew and cry all night. Imaging all of the worst things. Wishing I could just talk to my mom.

So, first thing in the morning I tried calling my doctor. He was in surgery all morning. Left messages for the nurse to call me back. Every hour. She never called.

So, I tried calling the radiologist whose name was typed on the bottom of my letter. He, conveniently, was not taking calls that day. Seriously? Is that an option?

So, I tried calling the Women's Center where the original mammogram was done. Guess what? They don't know anything.

In desperation, I called Riverside Hospital's Breast Health Center in Columbus. I have never been a patient there, but I've heard good things about them. So, why not? No one else will talk to me, what is one more rejection?

Guess what? Polly talked to me. She had me sign a release & fax it to her. She got a copy of my report and shared it with me ("something" on the far right side of the right breast). She scheduled me for a compression mammogram (not sure how that is different from a regular one), ultrasound and consult with the doctor on Tuesday. She promised me that I would not leave there without an answer. Bless her heart. She may have single-handedly prevented an absolute breakdown just by talking with me.

So, poor sleep and an active imagination have made for a fragile me. But I only have to get through a few more days. Good thing I am medicated.

I will update again when I have something more to say. Positive thoughts & prayers are appreciated!

Lori

48 years ago today....

my parents got married.

Can't find their wedding photo on this computer, so a pic from the 70s will have to do.

Boring updates.....

Updates

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 347.28/1000.

Still behind, but catching up. It is so hard to work in 2.74 miles EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This leaves me very little time for cross-training which I know I am going to pay for in the long-run. Need to work on finding a better balance.

2. Read 100 books. Current Status: 23/100

Since the last update I have read: Need to Breathe by Tara Staley; Stretch Marks: A Novel by Kimberly Stuart; Sunflowers by Melodie Starkey; Absence of Grace by Ann Warner; Growing from Depression by Neel Burton; Unfriend Yourself: Three Days to Detox, Discern, and Decide About Social Media; Jane Rochester: A Novel Inspired by Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre by Kimberly A. Bennett; & Miracles: 32 True Stories by Joanie Hileman.

YIKES! I am way behind (should be at 38 books down right now!). It feels like I am reading A LOT but not getting anywhere!

3. Lose 25 pounds. No comment.

4. Get more organized. No comment

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 20/52

 

Doing ok here. Made yummy French toast using French Vanilla coffee creamer - Thanks to Krogers for that idea! Have also made random side dishes - roasted tomatoes with olive oil and parmesan cheese, breakfast smoothie with almond milk, frozen banana, black berries, Greek yogurt and 6 almonds; fudgy brownies with cream cheese swirls. My favorite (& new regular is this: http://foodpicsgo.com/?p=1618).

 

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Otherwise, life is just busy!  Will try to do a more interesting update soon!

 

Until next time,

Lori

Running Anniversary

This upcoming weekend is the 3 year anniversary of my "running."

Those who know me well know that I use the term "running" lightly. I move/shuffle along on either the bike path by my work or on a treadmill. I am not fast. But, I do have stamina and sheer determination to just keep on going. Part of why I keep on going is the running community has made me feel very welcomed and you never know what you are going to see out there! And I have seen a lot (too much really!) - everything from a man getting chest compressions to bare naked behinds. Seriously. Better than TV most days!

In these 3 years I have logged literally thousands of miles. That is astounding to me. I am a couch potato who does not like to sweat. But, I have come to embrace it! I have completed countless 5Ks (though I probably could count all those t-shirts!), 3 10Ks and 4 half marathons! Holy Cow! I have also spent $$$$$$$$$$ on shoes, clothes (sports bras are pricey!), entry fees and photos. All worth it!

I prefer running to a team sport. Out there, it is all me. I can only depend on myself to get there and back. Also, no one is depending on me, so if I am having a bad day, it is ok.

Recently, I was lunching with my family at our local Olive Garden when a waiter approached, pointed at my shirt and said "Hey, how did you do?" At first, I was confused, but then I realized that I was wearing my 2013 Athens Half Marathon shirt. We chatted for a few minutes about the course, the great weather that day and our various injuries. Another reminder that the running community is real and accepting, even of a middle-aged over-weight woman!



Photos from the 2013 Athens Half Marathon!

 

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While perusing on-line I came across this article & it made me laugh at loud!

9 Reasons Running Doesn't Suck as Much as You Think

1. You can lose weight by drinking nothing but hot water with lemon OR you can run for an hour, treat yourself to a cookie and still fit into your skinny jeans! One of these options makes you bitchy. The other makes you rad.
2. Take your iPod with you and runs suddenly become a safe place to indulge your love of boy-band music. :)
3. When your boss, your melodramatic friend and your nagging to-do list won’t leave you alone, calmly put on your running shoes and head out the door. They won’t follow you. It’s a safer alternative to storming out with both middle fingers in the air (though you can -and should- still do this in your head, just for spectacular effect).
4. You’ll discover lululemon pants are good for more than just buying tampons and Cheez-its at Target (I know, ladies. My world was rocked with that discovery, too.).
5. Running is the last place you have to “be a lady.” Sweat, snot and sneaking behind a bush to pee is not only liberating it’s fun, in that giggly-childish-naughty kind of way.
6. Getting a run in before happy hour means you get tipsy on half a glass of wine instead of your usual two. That’s not being a lush, that’s just sound economic planning!
7. Studies have shown that runners have better sex. Sex counts as a cross-training workout, which in turn makes you a better runner, which – hello! – leads to even better sex. Really, the whole thing is full of win-wins.
8. Girls are lucky; there’s an entire industry committed to making us look awesome while getting our sweat on. Workout clothes come in all sorts of cool colors and designs. Jockstraps, on the other hand, will always be ugly with questionable stains....
9. Non-runners will sit on the couch and call you crazy. Those folks, sadly, will never learn what their bodies are capable of. You, on the other hand, will die knowing you completely, totally, unabashedly used up the body that was loaned to you. That’s not crazy. That’s freakin’ awesome!

Easter 2013

Sami posing it up before we left for church on Easter morning.

 

 

 During church service, as typical for Easter, there was a lot of talk about blood. Part way through, Sami whispered to me: "What blood type did Jesus have?"

Good question.

After attempting to explain that they probably didn't even know that there were different blood types at that time & that they wouldn't have had the technology to test, my response was: "I bet he was O-, the Universal Donor."

Her questions get harder & harder!



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Updates:

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 199.4/1000.

Strained my calf last week so I took it easy. Did some walking, but not much running.

2. Read 100 books. Current Status: 18/100

This week I have read:

* 99 Foods That Speed Up Your Metabolism And Help You Lose Weight by Scott Walker;

* What the Hell was I Thinking? A Memoir by Emma Feix Alberts &

* What If? Changing Your Life to Fit Your Truth by Jim Young.

  

3. Lose 25 pounds. Current status: 5.4/25.

Oops. Too much Easter dinner for me.

4. Get more organized. No comment

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 13/52

Made the Bunny cake.





Until next time,
Lori

An apology & some updates

So, I had an email exchange with the reporter about the Flashes of Hope article & I came away from it feeling ok (used, but ok). She initially apologized for disappointing me, which showed me that she really didn't get what I was trying to say. Normally, I am not very good at self-advocacy, but in this case, I really didn't let it go until I felt like she was hearing what I had to say. I felt emotionally exploited and that made me angry. At the end of it, I think I got my point across and no longer feel the need to completely boycott The Dispatch.


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Updates:

1. Run/jog/walk 1000 miles. Current status: 182.59/1000.

Two weeks in a row I have been over my weekly mileage goal - 20 more weeks like this & I am caught up! But I don't know how many more 28+ mileage weeks I can handle!

2. Read 100 books. Current Status: 15/100

This week I have read:  My Sister and I: We are Survivors by J. Jackson Owensby; The Truth About Butterflies: A Memoir by Nancy Stephan; Homo sarcasmus - On the Origin of the Species by Heath L. Buckmaster; & The Compass of Pleasure by David Linden

3. Lose 25 pounds. Current status: 6.8/25. Stagnant 2 weeks in a row. Better than going up I suppose & still on track.

4. Get more organized. No comment

5. Make one new recipe per week. Current status: 12/52

Made this for dessert the other night: http://www.kitchenscoop.com/recipes/strawberry-cream-cheese-cobbler YUMMY!

Made this for breakfast on Friday: http://www.myfridgefood.com/viewrecipe.php?recipe=20173 Found the recipe on pinterest where it claimed to have only 56 calories. Well, that is a big fat lie, but it was good and not too un-healthy!May even try it without the peanut butter sometime - just banana & chocolate!

Until next time,
Lori

Really?

I feel like I've been punk'd. You know - the Ashton Kutcher show that was on MTV a while ago that played practical jokes on people?

So yesterday I blogged about Flashes of Hope, my interview, and the emotions that were stirred up in me as a result of talking about the experiences with a complete stranger. A stranger who asked more than just about the photos. She asked about Cameron's diagnosis, when he died, and so on.

I waited in anticipation of the article, in fact, checking for it on-line was the first thing I did this morning. My piece - the piece I stewed over, cried over, worried about - was not there.

Cut due to space issues.

Really? All that upset-ment for NOTHING? It's not like I went looking for attention (like I do here on this blog!), but at least a mention in the article would have made it feel at least worthwhile. But, alas & yet again, I came away with nothing. Thank you Ms. Reporter. Please do not call again.

I've been punk'd.

Flashes of Hope

Flashes of Hope is a wonderful organization. They have volunteer photographers who go to Children's Hospitals and take free portraits of ill children. The gift to the family is priceless. If you want to read more about the organization, go here: http://www.flashesofhope.org/

On two separate occasions in 2007 & 2008, we were fortunate to have Flashes of Hope take photos of Cameron at Nationwide Children's Hospital.

They are wonderful, but bittersweet.

I love them.

I keep them in a drawer.

Here are a couple of my favorites:

Why do I mention this now?

Last evening I got a call from a Columbus Dispatch reporter who is doing a story on the organization. She wanted to gather various perspectives - from families who are having pictures done today at Children's, those who have had them done in the past but their children survived, and those like me.

People who know me well will be shocked to hear that I was nearly speechless. I knew that she was going to be calling. I heard her questions, formulated answers in my mind, but what came out of my mouth was brief and without substance. Why? Because it is too f-ing painful talk about. Especially now.

Why now? We just passed what should have been Cameron's 14th birthday. We are approaching next week the 10 year "anniversary" of his diagnosis, when my life changed forever and not for the better.

So, all of this to say, I support the organization and am grateful for what they have given to me. If you are interested in reading the article, you can look for it in Tuesday March 19, 2013 edition of the Columbus Dispatch, in the Life & Times section.

Until next time,
Lori

The picture

This is the before picture. We haven't made it to the stylist yet. Having a lazy morning here. This hair has not even been combed yet!